Hmmmm, quite depressing that two of my most recent posts are ranting angry words. It's just that when i feel frustrated a lot comes to my mind and i need a venue to let off some steam. Although most of the time, i would rather much give the person a good punch and a hard kick. Yes, i do have a innate violent streak.

I don't always feel so aggravated. Actually most of the time, i am happy and contented and especially thankful for my caring parents, loving boyfriend and a cute fun bunch of close friends. I don't usually share my real feelings on the blog, but recently it has been surprising helpful and comforting. Being busy with school work, i haven had the time to indulge in any literacy or artistic activities. I want to be inspired; with a good book of poems, doodling on a sketchbook, taking my holga out for a day, watching a indie music video or visiting a museum.

Pet Peeve

Haven yelled at anybody so angrily for the longest time...
And i was so seriously pissed, i shouted 'fuck you' in his face.

He should have known it was coming. He never learns. It keeps happening over and over again ever since we were kids. I also cannot understand why it makes my blood boils so madly every time it happens. People may think it's overreacting, but it's still my BIGGEST PET PEEVE!!!

I hate it when people touch/take things without my permission! Hate, hate, hate it with a vengeance! It's not that i am selfish, or that i don't want to lend it to you, it's just so rude when you take my things without even telling me at all. And i only find out its missing, when i really need it or you've broken it, used it up, etc Also, the thought of you, or anyone else, rummaging through my stuff taking MY things makes me instantly ballistic! I mean, i really go crazy and so angry at that person. Seriously, the first thought that naturally comes to my mind is that 'did you steal or take any other things?!' I may be thinking 'too much' or be overly presumptuous and it's wrong of me to doubt you, but i really cant help it, that's the first thing that come straight to my mind! I was so bloody angry, i even came up with extreme measures of barricading my room when i am not at home, so no one can take my things and make me go all crazy again.

I want to keep calm when i am angry, because when i am angry i will just start shouting really harsh words in your face and just kill you with my wrath. Ten minutes later after cooling down, i'll feel super regretful over the aweful exchange and blame myself for not handling the situation in a better non-confrontational way. I am really sorry, i didn't mean to yell at you like that. But all these years, i keep telling you 'don't take, just ask me first' but my words just never stays in your head hurh. I mean, when i want to borrow your things, i always ask, i dont just take, that will be stealing. I did tried to minimize these 'incidents' with polite 'Keep your hands off my things' letters, nice talks and reminders but you just don't get it. Neither does my parents, they think i am overreacting too.

Over the years, i have had awful awful experiences, with maids that steal or anyhow arrange my things and especially YOU. Every time, i thoroughly analyze my behavior and seriously tried my best to curb this crazy anger that comes outta me whenever someone messes with my things, but it still makes me go crazy every single time even with the smallest things. So, i can only conclude that this pet peeve will be ingrained in me for life.

I'm so tired of trying already.
I tried. I really tried hard for the past few years and recently i feel like giving up because all my efforts have been rebuffed and futile all along.

I had a dream a few months back. We were back in our primary school and vising. I remembered it was a similar scene when we went back to visit Mrs tan during cny when we were in secondary one. Wow how time flies... We were chatting happily and walking along the corridors with the blue railings, remember?  Suddenly the school hall turned into a water theme park with slides that went round and round (note that this happened in a dream). We got excited and jumped onto the slides in our floating tubes that apparently appeared out of nowhere. You were floating in front of me and somehow we got separated in the myriad of slides. I panicked. I could roughly see you ahead of me and i swam so hard to catch up with you. But you just got further and further ahead of me without even looking back, until i could no longer see you. I searched frantically for you everywhere but i still couldn't find you.

I jolted awake and woke up crying. I felt incredibly sad. What happened in the dream felt so real. It was like the exact portrayal of the way i felt about us in reality. Me trying to catch a hold of you, but you just drifted further and further away away from me, without even once looking back.

I understand that as we get older, we lead different lives, have our own commitments and mingle in different social circles. But aren't friends supposed to stay connected despite our busy schedules?

I feel like I'm the clingy partner in our relationship. I am always the the first one to initiate conversation, waiting for your late replies, planning meet ups accommodating to your forever busy schedule, get all excited about it and then disheartened when you cancel at the very last minute because 'something' cropped up, complaining about the lack of meet ups and the cycle repeats itself. Over and over again. This is why i feel so sick and tired already. On the other hand, i see notifications on my facebook homepage of you making time and hanging out with your other friends. I am not like those petty girls in pri/sec school selfishly wanting the BFF all to herself.
But seriously, for the longest time i feel like i am on your back burner.

I told myself, maybe i should be more patient, i have to be more understanding, it'll work out.
But I don't feel that it's ok anymore!
Each time you cancel out on me, i feel increasingly hurt, disappointed and even angry and I have always kept it in check and responded cordially. I didn't want to be the one to stir shit or break this ten year friendship.
Maybe we still have something worth holding on to...

Be it genuine miscommunication or misunderstanding, but today felt like the last straw for me.
And when i saw the picture above, coincidentally shared by another of your BFF, i finally came to terms with what i have been feeling all along. I honestly do not feel like trying anymore. And i cannot be bothered.

I guess what's left to do is the same for all one-sided relationship.
I should let go and move on with my life. Much love for the people who actually care.